


101 Tips and Tricks to Raising the Anti-Christ

by ZoeBel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M, baby snatchers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-19 07:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20205820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeBel/pseuds/ZoeBel
Summary: Instead of delivering the Anti-Christ to the Convent of the Chattering Nuns Crolwey decides he doesn't like that idea and takes the baby to raise himself, problem is he has no idea what a human-ish baby needs, but that's why Aziraphale is here.





	1. Chapter 1

The night hadn’t gone as planned so far. Crowley wasn’t exactly sure what he was expecting when he went to meet Hastar and Lingar in that graveyard, but it sure wasn't starting Armageddon and delivering the Antichrist.

He came to an abrupt stop outside of the Abbey of the Chattering Nuns, sighing as he gently hit his head on the steering wheel. The backseat started to gurgle and stir and Crowley turned around. He opened one side of the wicker picnic basket, resting in the back seat, and was greeted by a bright, and confused, baby face. 

“What are you looking at?” Crowley asked with a sneer. The baby gargled and laughed in return, giving Crowley a big gummy grin. Crowley closed his eyes and humfed, disappointed at how adorable he thought that was. 

He got out of his car and got the basket from the backseat. There was a man waiting outside, smoking a pipe. 

“They started yet?” He asked the man.

“Yes, they’re getting underway. Room three. You the doctor then?” After “Yes” and “room three” Crowley stopped listening and walked past him. He did hear him vaguely something along the lines of “lights” and remembered that if his car was off the lights should be too and waved his hand to correct that. 

Inside he could hear women screaming and nuns shuffling. In fact there was a nun shuffling around right in front of him. 

“‘Scuse me!” He yelled down the hall at her. She jumped and held her chest before quickly making her way down the hall to him. 

“Oh my! Are you him? Master Crowley?” She asked, excited. 

“Uh, yeah, I’m supposed to give you this.” Crowley handed the sister the basket with one hand. Sister Loquacious happily took the basket and opened it to inspect the baby.

“Is this him?” She asked again.

“Uh, yeah…” 

“Oh my, look at you…” Sister Loquacious went off for a bit about toesie wosies and hoofy woofys but Crowley wasn’t completely paying attention. He had noticed that the baby had continued to stare at him throughout the sister’s baby talk. The baby gave him another gummy grin and Crowley felt a ping shoot through his chest. 

“Actually,” He said, taking the basket from Sister Loquacious. “I’m supposed to deliver this directly to the Mother Superior.”

“Oh,” Sister Loquacious was a bit heart broken she wasn’t going to be the one directly swapping the babies. “Well she’s-”

“I’ll find her.” Crowley quickly and swiftly moved down the hall. He entered a second hallway lined with doors, both of which had stopped screaming.

A nun pushing a bassinet left the third room and continued down the hall. She hadn’t noticed Crowley and he decided to use the opportunity to follow her into an empty room with an empty bassinet. Before she could turn around Crowley had frozen her in place and locked the door behind him. He walked in front of the bassinet and looked at the baby inside who was taking his first moments of life to sleep. A man after Crowley’s own heart. The babies, being just new, looked almost exactly the same both with blond hair and blue eyes. He set the basket down and took the red blanket off from around the antichrist, with only mild complaints from him, and replaced the blanket this other baby was wrapped in. He rewrapped the antichrist with the new blue blanket and unfroze the sister in the room. 

“OH! Who are you? What are you-” Crowley shushed her before she could continue and wake up either of the babies. 

“Crowley.” He said simply and pointing at himself. “I delivered the antichrist, I’m supposed to take the extra kid. I’m doing that, I’m leaving.” 

“That really him then.” The sister said, awestruck and staring at the child she had just brought into the room. Crowley left the room with the basket and sauntered his way back out of the Abbey feeling rather good about himself. It wasn’t till he got back to his car and started it again that he had realized what he had just done. 

“... _ Fuck! _ ” He yelled before aggressively backing out of the Abbey. 

He tried to call Aziraphale but, considering he had just shut down all mobile lines in the London area, the attempt was unsuccessful. 

“Fuck!” he yelled again. The baby in the seat beside him gargled again. “Don’t go repeating that.” he told him. 

Crowley had to go all the way back into London before he was able to find a phone booth to use. He quickly dialed Aziraphale’s number and waited impatiently for him to pick up.

“I’m afraid we’re quite definitely closed -”

“Aziraphale. It’s me.”

\---

It was day break by the time the two of them were able to meet up at St. James's park. Not that the baby seemed to mind at all, he was sleeping in the basket at Crowley’s feet while he sat on a bench staring at the baby with his hands resting on his knees and covering his mouth. He had heard the name “Adam” while in the halls of the Abbey and hated himself for naming the baby that, in his mind. 

“Well I mean, I guess you’ve got to have a name right?” asked Crowley to the sleeping Adam. 

Suddenly Crowley was aware of someone sitting next to him on the bench.

“Crowley.” Aziraphale greeted, looking at the ducks in front of them. 

“Aziraphale.” 

“What’s that?” Aziraphale asked pointing at the basket. He was hoping that Crowley had put together a picnic for them while also not letting those hopes get too high. 

“I said we needed to talk about Armageddon…” Crowley darted his eyes between Aziraphale and the basket. Aziraphale did a double take between the strange acting Crowley and the basket before reaching and opening one side of the basket. He gasped and jumped back a small bit, looking at Crowley with a shocked expression. 

“A  _ baby? _ ”

“Not just any baby, Angel. Come on, trees have ears.” Crowley picked up the basket and began to walk away. 

“What are you doing with a  _ baby _ ?” Aziraphale got up as well and followed Crowley.

“I talked to the nuns and… they wouldn’t have been able to do it, I can tell you that much. We would have spent 11 years chasing after the wrong boy had they done their part.”

“Aren’t we going to be running after the ‘wrong boy’ anyway with,  _ him _ , here?”

“Heaven and Hell, sure, but us? Not us.”

Aziraphale stopped in his tracks, shocked. 

“What do you mean  _ us _ Crowley?”

Crowley turned around to look at Aziraphale, eager to get to his car. 

“I mean… I need your help again, Angel.” Crowely gave Aziraphale a pitiful look in an attempt to convince him further. It was working.

“Crowley I can’t just- I…” Crowley had opened one end of the basket revealing Adam, who had woken up and gave a big yawn. Aziraphale’s heart mentled at the sight and he couldn’t help but “aww”. 

“Come on angel, with you and I raising the kid, thwarting each others efforts to turn him good or evil, he’ll turn out normal.”

“Why do I want him to be normal anyway? Even if he turns out evil, Heaven will overcome anyway.” 

“And you want to spend eternity listening to  _ celestial harmonies _ ? Because you’ll have no more restaurants that know you, no more book shop.”

Aziraphale turned what Crowley was telling him over in is mind. He was all for keeping the Earth intact and not having to watch  _ the Sound of Music _ till the end of time. But he was still loyal to Heaven and what would they think - what would they  _ do  _ \- to him if they found out he was raising the antichrist. Well, if he turned out right then there might not be anything to worry about. He might even get accomodations for steering him in the right direction. 

“Well… do you even know the first thing about raising a child?” He asked. Crowley looked at Aziraphale with a bit of desperation in his eyes and shrugged. 

“That's why I asked for your help.” He admitted. Aziraphale sighed at the pittiful man in front of him. 

“Fine.” He said, finally. Crowley grinned and continued to his Bentley. 

“Wait,” Aziraphale continued. “Are you planning on driving around how you… normally do, with a baby in the car?”

“Uh, well… yeah.” 

Aziraphale opened the back seat of the car, giving Crowley a look, and took the basket from him. 

“You are aware of what a car seat is aren’t you, they look a lot like that.” Aziraphale pointed inside the car where there was now a proper car seat, fit perfectly for Adam, in the back. Crowley turned and looked at Aziraphale, appalled that his Bentley now had seatbelts as well. 

“You’re not going to keep doing things like this are you?” 

“You’re the one who wanted to raise a baby.” Aziraphale raised an eyebrow at Crowley before setting about getting, the now awake, Adam into his seat. It was now that Aziraphale realized that Adam wasn’t wearing clothes. He fixed that easily, making a light blue onesie and a diaper. 

“How long was it going to be before you to put the boy in some clothes, Crowley?” Aziraphale asked while getting into the passenger's seat. 

“I completely forgot about that actually.”

“I have the feeling that wont be the last thing you forget.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm catching up on myself with writing so i may not post day after tomarrow

Crowley took them to Aziraphale’s bookshop where he promptly turned away two customers waiting outside. Crowley sat in the back of the shop with the baby holding basket sitting on the desk in front of him. 

“Do you have any form of a plan, at all, Crowley?” Aziraphale asked as he joined the two of them. 

“Yeah, not finished but it’s still a plan.” Crowley moved to one side of the couch he was on to make room for Aziraphale, how saw this as an opportunity to hold and sit with Adam. 

“Care to share it with me?” He asked.

“Well, we, obviously, raise the Antichrist here and, if he grows up with both good and bad influences he should end up being normal.”

“You’ve already told me that, Crowley, do you have anything else?” Aziraphale looked at Crowley, both eyebrows raise, waiting for him to say he has no idea what he was doing and that he had acted on a stupid impulse. 

“Well,” Crowley started, avoiding eye contact with Aziraphale. “I am aware that my flat isn’t exactly fit for a child to live in… And you live in the shop here but you’ve just got that small kitchen, thing, and a bedroom upstairs. So, the next part of the plan is to move somewhere where he can be brought up.” Crowley looked up at Aziraphale. He was leaning back on the couch with Adam resting on his shoulder. Adam stared at Crowley with his big blue eyes and tiny button nose and rosey little pudgy cheeks and Crowley felt that ping in his chest again. 

“Do you have anywhere in particular in mind then?” Aziraphale asked rubbing small circles in Adam’s back. He wasn’t afraid to admit there was a large spot in his heart for children. In the past he had attracted a small group of street urchins and he made sure all of them were well fed, and dressed, and all their bumps and bruises were fixed up. 

“Tadfeild.” Crowley replied, tilting his head to match the angle of Adam. Crowley too had a soft spot for kids. He had let young girls braid flowers into his hair back in the day and did his best to save children when God flooded the land. 

“Taddfeild?” Aziraphale asked waking Crowley from his trance. 

“What’s in Tadfield?” 

“You just said Tadfeild when i asked if you had a place in mind to move to.”

“I did?” Crowley tried to remember the last few seconds but was drawing a blank. 

“I did yeah,” He lied. “That’s where the Abbey was that i brought him to. Thought I saw a cottage that was for sale.” That was true but the sign said the cottage was available for rent, at least it had before Crowley said it was for sale. 

The telephone rang from the other room. Aziraphale humfed adn rolled his eyes. He adjusted Adam on his shoulder, expecting Crowley to take him. It was in this moment Crowley had realized it had been over three hundred years since he had held a baby, and that was just for a moment with a much older baby. Aziraphale got up to answer the phone leaving Crowley holding Adam at arms length. 

Adam’s head had fallen back and he was content for the moment to look up at the intricately molded ceiling, but it was becoming uncomfortable. Crowley moved Adam to his shoulder like Asiraphale had been holding him and gave him a good pat on the back. Adam moved his hands and vaguely went to grab for Crowley’s hair. Crowley let him and still didn’t regret the decision when Adam had found a lock of hair he liked and gave it a good tug. 

Crowley stood up and walked around the corner where Aziraphale was dealing with whoever was on the other end of the phone. 

“Well I’m afraid that you  _ must _ be mistaken then ma’am because we are very much closed… I’m still here because I live here… no i can’t just let you in… If you’re going to be like that.” Aziraphale slammed the phone back on the receiver then looked at Crowley. Crowley was standing in front of him, bouncing Adam and rubbing his back, leaning his head on Adam’s. Aziraphale rarely ever saw Crolwey this soft but every time Aziraphale did see him like this his whole body went warm and he would glow a little. Literally, you would hardly be able to see it in a pitch black room but he would emit a soft golden light. 

“So,” Aziraphel started after he had burned the image of Crowley bouncing a baby into his memory. “Tadfeild.”

“Hu?” Crolwy asked waking out of the trance he had accidentally put himself in with his own bouncing. 

“Your great plan to go against God’s great plan?”

“Oh yeah… uh… that’s as far as I am right now… Tadfeild, raise the kid… dont fuck up?”

“So… what, you’re supposed to give up your flat and im supposed to give up my book shop in this plan?”

“Well.” Crowley shifted on his feet and walked closer to Aziraphale. “I mean, it's not like I have anything in my flat that can’t be moved. And this is a  _ shop _ after all… I’m not sure, Angel, I grabbed the kid and i need help… please.”

“Of course I’m going to help you dear.” Aziraphale put a hand on Adam’s head and used his thumb to gently rub the baby’s head. “I just wish you had thought about what humans need more.”

“Well he’s not human… just… human enough i guess…”

“Human enough to need to eat, drink, wear clothes, go to sleep in a crib then a bed, go to school-” 

“Ok, ok… I may have forgotten that part. But with both of us this kid may life to… give at least.” 

Aziraphale gave a little laugh then straightened his face after he had fully realized that Crowley predicted that the baby would die at age five.

“Don’t say that about… oh my, you never told me if he has a name.”

“Adam.” 

“Adam?” Aziraphale looked at Cowley with a smile and a raised eyebrow. “Really?”

Crowley turned, a bit defensive and Moving Adam out from under Aziraphale’s hand.

“Yeah, what you have a better name?”

“How about you show me this cottage in Tadfield.” Aziraphale smiled


End file.
